In the Blood

July 25, 2017August 27, 2020Family, The Ugly Truth and the Beauty Within It Allison Laidig

I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

It’s time to get real. The only way we can get to know each other is to share life and do it together, and I encourage you to do the very same with your people at home. Check out this series our church has been doing. So good.

As I listen to this song (and you should too. It’s amazing.), I feel a flood of emotion run through my body. This three and a half minutes encompasses so many thoughts I’ve had along my journey in finding myself as a woman… which includes many facets of my life: a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I grew up in a family that was definitely not perfect, but I’ve learned a lot from them over my 32 years of life.

I don’t want to paint a gray picture of my childhood because it was far from that. I have fabulous memories of family dinners, vacations, special birthday parties, and time together with them. My parents taught me (among other things) that family and character are absolutely important. I just want to share a part of my story that isn’t so joyful. I think sometimes people compare themselves to others saying, “If only my life was so perfect,” but try to remember that many times we don’t know the full story until everyone decides to get real with each other. So alas, I shall continue.

My mom and dad didn’t always get along. There were just a few times in my life where I remember them cuddling or hugging or kissing. They argued and slammed doors and shouted at times. There were times I would go knock on my brother’s door when they were having these exchanges, and he would just let me sit in his room and cry until it was over. Sometimes I’d go downstairs and try to talk them out of arguing, but you see, my dad is bipolar and sometimes it was hard to get him to listen. Other times, my mom would say, “Allison, get in the car,” and we’d go to Grandma’s house for a while. Then when I was in high school, my mom decided to get a divorce. I don’t know all the details, but I know it was a terribly rough time for everyone in my family.

I knew growing up that I didn’t want things be like that when I got married. I would find the perfect man and we’d live happily ever after. A girl can dream, right?!

Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood? Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

Unfortunately, I am only human, and I have acted in similar ways too many times. I was utterly embarrassed and even shocked when I looked in the mirror. Who is this woman who screams and acts like a crazy person?! That’s definitely not me. I said I would never be like this. Daniel is seriously a saint for choosing to marry me! I’m so thankful for him and how he shows Jesus to me in so many ways, but I was still nagging and nitpicking…provoking and pestering. I specifically remember one night that Daniel and I were having an argument in the bedroom. Of course, looking back, I can’t remember why it started, but I’m sure it was over something small and silly. Gabe sleeps in the basement below us, and at 9:30, we heard a knock coming from the floor. He was crying and said, “Could you guys PLEASE stop arguing???” It was at this moment, that I knew something had to seriously change within me. And that night was the turning point for me.

I prayed for years to become a strong woman of God full of patience and grace. Man, do I stink at being that without His help. Since that night, Daniel and I decided it isn’t worth it to argue this way. We’ve had disagreements since, but we promised to fight fair and be respectful of each other and our family. I am learning what it looks like to change my “blood” and rise above it. I am leaning on the promises of Jesus that He will help me grow and become better. He’s my only saving grace.

Looking back, I am not bitter with my parents. I’m not angry at them nor do I have hurt feelings about their divorce. They are both now happily married with wonderful spouses whom I love. I’m thankful for their years of marriage together and all the life lessons they have taught me and the memories I share with them, and I look forward to making many more memories together. We all have things we have to change and rise above. It’s time to get real and share them with someone you trust.

How much like my brothers, do my brothers wanna be?
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Or will we be there for each other, like nobody ever could?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

If you are in a situation where life is too tough to handle and you need help, please find someone to talk to. I’m praying for you today, and I love you. Beauty comes from ashes. I promise you that.