Lessons in {Step}Parenting

Let it slide
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And I don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by
It’s the heart that really matters in the end

Daniel and I have been married for almost four years now, and I can hardly remember when these littles weren’t a part of my life. I am so grateful for the ways Daniel has shown me how to be a better mom to ALL the kids and for the grace he gives me when I mess up. I also have to continually ask God to fill in the gaps where I’m not getting everything right.

Over the years though, I’ve learned a lot and have some thoughts. Please read along and know that I know every situation is different, every family is different, every home is different. However, we could all use a little help. I want to share some things I’ve learned through being a step parent of three little wonders.

This is harder than I ever thought. Being a parent in general is harder than I ever thought. Adding other parents and schedules and finding time to grow as a family is definitely challenging. A couple things we’ve done to make sure our family time is worthwhile is to intentionally spend time together – playing games, eating dinner, watching Kids Baking Championship, reading Harry Potter – whatever it is, doing it as a family has helped us grow. At dinner, we chat. I found this great conversation starter question set, and it has been a fun way to get to know each other. Another thing we do is get out of town! Sometimes life can be stressful, and it has just been so important for family growth to take trips where we can all enjoy each other without distractions.

Kids have loyalty to their biological parents. Even though I want so much to be the kids mom, I know they have another mom who loves them too. I can’t take her place. She gave birth to them. I’ll take second place if it means peace between us. The kids know how much we love them, and I think as they get older, they will be able to see the way I stepped in as mom #2 to love them well. Emotionally, sometimes it’s hard for me, but I know it’s always worth giving up that power in the end.

Kids wants to know that you love them, and they want a safe place to rest in grace. Whether your kids live at your house most of the time, every other week, every other weekend, once a month, or once a year, all kids need to know that your house is a safe place to come and be themselves. They should feel loved even if all they talk about are the things they are doing at their other parent’s house. If they mess up because they are adjusting from a different schedule, routine, or completely different way of life, try to give them grace and talk them through it.

Never give up on them, even if they are pushing you as far away as they can. When Gabe and I were just getting to know each other, we had a rough start. He didn’t want much to do with me. After all, he already had a mom and dad and didn’t need me joining in. Each night, he would give Daniel a hug and tell him he loved him. I would try to give him a hug and he would tighten up as stiff as a board, refusing to show me any sign of love. I didn’t give up on him and continued this same thing every night. One day Daniel and I were decorating the Christmas tree, and Gabe ran up to me and threw a piece of paper at me.

It said:

Wow. He LUFS me?! Be still, my heart. I will keep this note forever. It was the day I realized that God is for us. God is in this family, and He will always be. It was just a reminder to keep loving even if it’s hard. One day, it’ll shine bright that God’s been in this all along.

Through writing this, I realize I’ve come a lonnnnng way from where I was years ago, but I definitely could still use some work in these areas. Somedays I’m full of envy and bitterness, while other days I am eyes wide open thanking God that I have the opportunity to help raise these littles.

After all, I didn’t birth them, but God has told me that these little wonders are mine, and I am to raise them well.

I would love to hear some ways you’ve been successful with blending your families. We’re all in this together and can learn a lot from each other!

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours still remain

This is just the soundtrack of our life.